Day three

A number of people have expressed concern/conviction that a month of cheeseburgers will result in obesity and/or malnourishment. I have to say, I think that the cheeseburger has gotten a bad rap. The cheeseburger does not make a man fat. Eating too many cheeseburgers might make a man fat, but is that is the fault of the cheeseburger, or is it the fault of the man? Do not punish the cheeseburger for the sins of the man! I am, at the moment, a fairly trim and muscular man of the female persuasion, and I am watching my caloric intake. I would have to eat five Whopper Jrs with cheese EVERY DAY just to maintain my weight, assuming I did not drink any beverages with caloric content such as beer or whiskey, which I most assuredly am going to be doing. I might even be doing it right now, at 1:23 on a Sunday afternoon.

That's FIVE cheeseburgers a day, folks. I can't eat five cheeseburgers a day. I am pretty effectively shut down after three, and that leaves me room for a few whiskeys, and still be below break-even. I tried to eat four yesterday, and that fourth one just sat and stared at me all evening. I couldn't do it. I had it for breakfast instead.

As for malnutrition... come on, honey. That's a kneejerk reaction to the word "cheeseburger" if I ever saw one. In a cheeseburger we have meat, cheese, bread, and, depending on the burger, a small assortment of vegetation. A Whopper Jr. has a pretty substantial pile of pickles, onions, tomato, and the mostly-throwaway iceburg lettuce, while a standard cheeseburger has only ketchup, pickles, and onions, but we are still looking at a pretty decent representation of all the food groups. I wouldn't want to live on them for a year, but over a month I'm most certainly not going to develop scurvy.

The other criticism I've gotten from certain people is that others have done this, better, more entertainingly, under more controlled circumstances, under the care of a doctor. To these people I say, why do you hate fun? I know no one but my immediate, angry friends and family will read this blog. I know this experiment is not going to result in a paper that will be published in any scientific journal. That is not the point. The point is that I, me, all by myself, am curious about what it feels like to eat cheeseburgers for one month. What will it do to my body? Reading someone else's paper or watching someone else's movie won't tell me that. The only way for me to feel it is for me to do it. It's like a grand adventure! Besides, I really like the word "cheeseburger" and I am getting a lot of insight into the prejudice our society has against cheeseburgers. It's unjust. Cheeseburgers are not evil. They are, for example, a great deal more nutritious per calorie than your average fried chicken sandwich. I bet if I said I was living on chicken sandwiches for a month people wouldn't have had such a strong, visceral negative reaction. But the word "cheeseburger" evokes something in people; an image of grease, gluttony, and valueless calories. Well, cheeseburger, I don't believe that about you. I think you are cute.

Also, I finally pooped yesterday, and it was fine. Haters.